Our sons feel alienated soon after wedding. Why ?


Marriages have a paramount importance in every religion. Infact it is only due to marriage that first a family and then a society is build. Marriages are strongly recommended in Islam also. Our dearest prophet (saw) says ” Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire.”
So after providing better education to the children and making them to get a job in government or private sector, parent’s main focus remains to seek a better spouse for their daughter/son. It takes months and sometimes years also to get successful in finding a better match for their beloved wards. They exploit and utilise every source for this job. Every religious and cultural society has it’s own customs and traditions of solemnising this act. But the basic aim and goal of tying the nuptial is always same ie living a meaningful life, raising a good family and mostly to fulfil one’s psychological desires.
However soon after the wedding, cracks start developing in this sacred relation of the dou when the relatives of both the sides instead of playing a meaningful and positive role to strengthen their bond, seam hell bent to break it. Infact it is the groom’s side which has to play a major role in order to reap the better dividends of this bond because a stranger in the form of bride is stepping in their home. It takes time for her to get adjusted in the newer environment and to get acquainted about their ways of living. So initially if she commits any mistake or if it takes some time for her to adjust their ways, she must be guided properly and shown the rightful ways, instead adopting an otherwise strategy. Whenever a pleasing environment isn’t provided to the new comer of the family or she isn’t given the liberty to express her views or she is subjected to an autocratic type of rule in the new home, she gets annoyed due to this oppression and her own husband also feels alienated and sometimes becomes the victim of depression.
Before marriage the guy is the loved and proud son of his parents, a caring brother of his siblings and a good human being for his other relatives but soon after the wedding when the two spouses start living a happy and contended life besides looking for the rights and duties of each other, every member of the family feels envy and jealousy. Instead of guiding the new entrant properly and treating her as their own daughter or family member, she is subjected to the worst kind of treatment. Her every mistake or fault is un-veiled before the people while the big blunders of their own daughters and sons are warmly accepted and forgotten. The bachelor sons and daughters in the family are given the free hand to run the family affairs and are allowed to act like headman who are devoid of the skills and lack the experience but the married son of the same parents is treated as a step-born. Before marriage he would speak freely to every one in the home and express his views to make the home a better place to live in, advise and guide his siblings intending to make them the responsible future citizens but after wedding first of all this very fundamental right is snatched from him and he is left un-armed and forced to behave as deaf and dumb. His other siblings are given due consideration whenever they suggest anything while as he is given a second class status only for being a married one. His parents and siblings don’t understand that they are actually harming and ailing their own son/ brother when ill-treating his wife. The worst kind of scenario is witnessed when none of the family members like to talk to him and his siblings are encouraged by the parents to alienate him along with his spouse. His siblings discuss things related to home affairs with their parents without giving any room to their elder married brother in a confined way. He feels scared even to his own younger, inexperienced and dependent brothers/sisters in his own dwelling place. In this vale which has been the last resting place of hundreds of God fearing saints, parents here love their daughter’s children( grandchildren) more than their own sons. They feel honoured to love, talk and respect them while as they show reluctance to talk freely and with good heart to their own sons. As the time passes their grandchildren through the son, also realise the unhealthy attitude of their grandparents and other family members towards them. With the result instead of developing pleasing relationships, envy and jealousy leads to the fracture of the family. They feel separated though not in reality in their own home under a common shelter. When things take such ugly shapes and no one is ready to accommodate the feelings and aspirations of their own son in the family, it is far better to let them live a free and dignified life instead a displeasing one in a common large or joint family. It is a blessing and has more advantages than drawbacks to live separately a dignified life than jointly a heartwreching one. His siblings consume the precious days and years of their life in spoiling the important period of their married brother instead of utilising the same for their own carrier development. With the result they remain in complete darkness in rest of their life. They don’t do anything better for their own future life. In the end both their parents as well as they themselves weap for their own blunders of the life. Their cruality, oppressive attitude and wicked behaviour ultimately pays them off. They no longer are loved by their own brother or his spouse/ children and are always considered as strangers for their past inhuman treatment in rest of their life. Although such incidents have become the order of the day in our community where a bride is considered more a maid servant of the family than the life partner of our sons, she is subjected to the worst kind of inhuman treatment and is compelled to take extreme steps and our own sons get older earlier because it is he who becomes the victim of domestic violence more than his spouse but there are ample examples also in our society where the daughter in-law is respected and treated well like one’s own daughter, sons are given the due respect they deserve even after the wedding and siblings enjoy the life without any kind of envy or jealousy. Such kinds of homes are the abode of love, respect and mutual understanding and for the new comer it is not less than the heaven.
RAYEES AHMAD KUMAR is a columnist and hails from Qazigund Kashmir.